Query Review: Being Human

Tommy doesn’t remember being human, that life forgotten the night he became a vampire. Now his life revolves around one thing: Survival.

And his twin brother…

And maybe the friend he made…

And his family is pretty important as well.

Maybe life isn’t as simple as Tommy thought. Vampire Forces – a special branch of police assigned to turn every vampire to ash – hunts him at every turn, trying to turn the hunter into the prey. That doesn’t keep him from his brother, perching out his window every night to hear about the human he used to be. When he follows his brother to college, he learns what friendship means and the lengths a human will go to to get what she wants. Life takes on a brighter and darker new meaning when he discovers family and a very human monster that takes children. Family continues to grow and expand as he discovers there’s more to love than blood and the girl he rescued all those years ago needs him more than ever.

Tommy just wants to survive and he knows what he needs to do. But with the number of humans that mean more than a meal growing, he’ll learn how willing he is to put his own survival at risk. He’ll discover being human means more than being a human.


My thoughts:

Two things.   The first is that outside of Tommy being a vampire, and being attached to people, I don’t know that much about him.  Tell me HOW he became different as a vampire, what vampires are normally like. Make me understand what vampires are normally like, and why Tommy is different.  That way, when you tell us about the plot, we’ll understand why we should care.

You’ve got an interesting idea with the Vampire Forces, but it’s very casually mentioned.  And then again with the human monster taking children.  Two very big threats, and they’re not dominant parts of the query.  The conflict over not eating his family is not the main conflict of your book – it sounds like it’s those external forces, so that’s where I’d focus my attention.

Good luck!


8 thoughts on “Query Review: Being Human

  1. There’s also a fairly well known BBC series called Being Human which features vampires and vampire hunters (IIRC) as well. That could be a problem; it might be an idea to rethink the title.

  2. Eesh another TV show? Sci Fi is putting out a show calling Being Human as well. I’m not beyond rethinking the title, I figured agents or editors might suggest it possibly.

    Thanks for the crit! I was really stumped on if I was telling the plot well enough. (I jumped out of my seat when I saw the link on twitter.) Can’t wait to get to work on it and tweeking it with the advice I’ve gotten. Thanks again!

  3. I’m thinking there’s a possibility it might not matter too much. Joe Hill (author of Horns) did a comic w/ a few others and it was called The Cape and there’s a TV show of the same name on one of the networks right now. From books to TV or movies there might be a blurry line to walk in terms of titles. Now another book of the same name… I’d probably be SOL.

    • I do think a title change might be a good idea, mainly because the shows (SyFy’s IS a US adaptation of the BBC one) involve a vampire as a main character. If your story was about a fairy or alien or something, you might be able to keep the title, but I think as a vampire, you should probably change it. It sounds like an interesting read, though!

      Btw, Inhuman would actually be a really cool title…

  4. Well, I reworked my query, but not with some of the changes suggested. It’s not that I didn’t like the suggestions, it’s the suggestions lead the reader in the wrong direction! To conclusions that aren’t part of the story at all. Hopefully, now it’s both better and on the right track.

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