Query Review: Change is Everything

Seventeen-year-old Brook Lynn Bridge can’t accustom to the newfound changes made to her used-be-normal life. In some ways, it was kind of expected.  (Why?) With a name like hers (how does this suggest an expected change in her life?) and the fact that she has the power to do anything (under the condition she writes it down), a gift that is both a blessing and a curse (why is it a curse?), meant things would eventually change. Whether or not she wanted it to be.

And she would never have expected change to start with a school field trip. (So how does it?) But now, her friends know who she really is and an annoying voice is inside her head. Life isn’t so peachy for her.  (How do the two former items relate to life not being peachy?) But apparently, that’s just the beginning. Once she discovers that some people have the ability to control her power against her will, it isn’t pretty. Especially since those people aren’t exactly ‘nice’ material.

Now, she must learn to adjust to those changes while fighting to save her humanity and those she cares about. Or there will be an unforgiveable price to pay.

CHANGE IS EVERYTHING is a 54k YA Fantasy Novel.
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My thoughts:

This is a good start, but I think you’ve got some work ahead of you.  First we need to really understand Brook Lynn – it seems like the only thing we really know is that she’s named after the bridge (and you miss out on an opportunity to show some characterization by telling us WHY she’s given that name), and that she has this power which doesn’t SOUND awful, but she apparently thinks it is.  So we need to have some idea about who Brook is as a character, something that tells us WHY we should care about this character.

Second, we need to understand her power a little bit better.  Does it have a name?  A history?  Why is it a curse?  Why does her name and this power mean that things will change?  You’ve got the opportunity to show instead of tell, and it’s definitely something you need here, I think.  At least a concrete example or two.

The field trip seems to be the inciting episode for the changes that you’re talking about, but we don’t know anything more than ‘there’s a field trip.’  Give us some idea of what happens that spurs the rest of the book into action.

Finally, I don’t know much about the threat other than that the people who can control her ability ‘aren’t exactly nice.’  What’s that mean?  Again, you have the opportunity to give us examples, and tell us a little bit about the conflict that is actually arising in the book.

All in all, I would go back and example the elements of the query, and iron out exactly how each plays into the book.  It’s a good start, and you’ve got a lot of room to tweak and hone your query and the information you’re giving.  The goal is to give the agents reading enough information that they want to know more, without weighting the query down with too much.

Good luck!

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “Query Review: Change is Everything

  1. Thanks for the critique. Yeah, I have a tendency to not reveal what happens in writing queries, something I should really fix ^o^;; so I shall do that with your suggestions! Now, to save up money for your upcoming book and amongst other things.

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