Christopher Pike Raised Me

So in the midst of the #yalitchat last night about men who write YA, I ended up in the most hysterical conversation with (who else) but Lisa Roecker, Saundra Mitchell, and others.  All about dear Mr. Pike, and the way that he traumatized raised me.

Don’t believe me?  Here’s a few of the things I learned from Christopher Pike.

Whisper of Death:

If you have sex, you will die.

If you have sex, and get pregnant, you will die.

If you have sex and get pregnant with some sort of demon baby, she will kill you with a pitchfork after killing all your friends.

Life lesson: Abstinence is better than a pitchfork through the chest.

Bury Me Deep

Scuba diving will kill you. Horribly.

The bends are the worst thing ever.

Don’t go scuba diving.  Ever.

EVER.

Life lesson: You were born on land for a reason.

The Immortal:

If you ever eat a hamburger you didn’t prepare yourself, you will die.

You would never know if someone put ground up glass in your hamburger.

Eating ground up glass is terrible for you.  Almost as bad as eating fruit.

Life lesson: Girls who used to be immortal  may look like a great choice for a BFF, but they aren’t immortal anymore for a reason.

Scavenger Hunt:

Scavenger hunts are deadly serious business.

If you ever take part in a scavenger hunt, someone is probably going to die.

It’s probably going to be you.

Also, avoid girls who are possessed by animals.

Life lesson: When one of the items on your list is “your immortal soul” or “all of your blood” it’s a safe bet that you should stay at home.  Every night.  For the rest of your life.

Last Act:

Never, ever join the school play.  Never steal an actress’s spotlight.

If you join a group of friends and they already have in-jokes that you don’t get, chances are they have horrible, nightmare-inducing secrets about things that happened last summer, and if you find out the truth they will have to kill you.

On stage.  Probably in your underwear.

Life Lesson: Do not talk to drama kids.  Do not risk their ire.

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13 thoughts on “Christopher Pike Raised Me

  1. My friends in high school read his books, but I was too busy being scared by Stephen King. I did get a chance to read some of his books years ago. Yeah, he’s pretty dark, but you make him LOLworthy.

  2. This nostalgia makes me happy. There are so many great morals to take from Christopher Pike books: incest will kill you (not your own incestuous tendencies – OTHER people committing incest!), seances are almost always a bad idea, if you go too far out in space you will be forced to witness the death of the universe over and over again, vampires are emotionally unstable, and alien girls usually have it going on (but for all the wrong reasons).

  3. Oh Yes I was raised with Christopher Pike too. He was scary and there was always a character for his sister in all his books and never trust your friends at all. I need to read him as an adult but he was the gateway to Stephen King 🙂

  4. I didn’t think today could get any better, being Friday AND payday. Thanks for the laugh. I think I’ll see if I can dig up any of these for the kids to read.

  5. LMAOOOO! I LOVE PIKE! When I was growing up, Christopher Pike and R.L. Stine pretty much dominated the teen paranormal genre, and I think I must have read every single one of their books at least twice, so posts like this bring back lots of good memories!

  6. Pingback: Links of Great Interest: 7/29/11 — The Hathor Legacy

  7. I loved Christopher Pike growing up. I alternated between him and Sweet Valley Twins–books that I’m working on collecting these days because I lost them (thanks to assholes who don’t return books). I think the scariest he wrote was The Wicked Heart while The Eternal Enemy was..ick.

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